Thinking of Kelly today on his Birth-day

I am so sentimental.  And so birthdays are not so much about a party, but more about a reflection.  A marking of a moment.  Looking at present, past and future and then pausing to celebrate.  And so today, even though Kelly is not with us in our home, I can't help but think of his life all day today.  Everywhere I went and in everything I did today I just kept thinking about him.

But I also thought of someone else.  Kelly's Haitian mom.  With my other children, I always remember their births on their birthday but for kelly, I can only think about the woman who gave birth to him.  I wondered if she too was thinking of Kelly today and remembering the story she told me in person when I met her.

She told me that his birth was difficult and when he was born, villagers told her to throw him in the trash. You see, kelly has a disability.  His right arm (his little fin, as he calls it) is fused together so that it can not grow correctly.  He only has 4 fingers.  Many in Haiti believe this is a curse and a child should be thrown away when they have disabilities.

I am thankful Kelly's Haitian mother did not see things that way.  She is a God-fearing woman.  And by His grace she saw Kelly's disability, not as a curse but as a sign that he had a great purpose.

WOW.

She told me that Kelly is her favorite child because of his arm.   When she had to choose life for her son, she did every time.  She kept him and she raised him.  She made a most difficult decision that I would never want to face when she chose life for him again by placing him for adoption.  There are many details in her story, but in the end, she chose life through love and sacrifice for Kelly when she brought him to an orphanage.

This is not always the story. But it is her story.

I will never forget talking with her face to face.  I will never forget the love in her eyes as she looked on Kelly.  I will never forget the love and pain in her eyes as Kelly did not even know her.  He had no idea how much this Haitian woman, as he saw her, loved him.

I will never forget crying, she and I, as she petitioned us to raise him to his great purpose God had for his life.  I will never forget her.  I will never forget her words and her love and strength.

I imagine I will always remember her on Kelly's birthday.

Today, I imagined that Kelly was playing at the orphanage and had no clue that a woman in Haiti and a woman in Austin, TX were thinking of his life and trusting God for him and the purpose he was meant to fulfill.

Happy 5th Birthday, to our son.  One day I will tell him many stories.  For now, I am trusting and thankful to mark moments called birth-days.

The Waiting Room

The Waiting Room

I can vividly remember the last week of my mother's life.  She was diagnosed with cancer and one week later, she was gone.  As quickly as it was, I will never forget that last week of her life.  And one thing specifically I remember was the waiting room and the waiting by her side...watching...wrestling...and finding God.

The normal question after we get back from each family trip is, "When will Kelly be home?"  I love and hate that question.  I love that question b/c people are not afraid to ask us...they don't stop asking us even though it has been a year and a half now.  I love that people continue to stick along side of us and don't forget that one of our son's is in Haiti and not with us.  I love that.   But I hate not having a real answer to give.  How do you really explain all this wait besides blame it on Haiti or government or paperwork or this and that? So I fumble through my words in hopes to explain the realities but inside there is a wrestling that is often unexplainable.

This waiting room, as I think of it, is a place between joy and pain.  The joy of the moments we get to visit Kelly and see him grow, the pain that we are not with him daily to help him thrive.  The joy that we see him and hold him, the pain that it is only for a few weeks a year.  The joy of running to grab him when we arrive in Haiti, the pain of saying "we will return, son" as we get in our cab and head away from him.  The joy of meeting his Haitian mother and hearing of kelly's life as an infant, the pain as she and I both cry tears of all the brokenness of this story.  The joy of our children talking of their brother and loving him far off, the pain as i place kelly's clothes in his drawer without him to wear them.  The joy of saying hello as we see him over Skype, the pain as he stares at us and we wonder what he must be thinking.  The joy of tucking him in bed at night when we are with him, the pain of him crying in our arms as he struggles to trust our love will never go away.

In our waiting room we ask many questions.  Many questions of the process to our agency, the orphanage director, the lawyer, other adoptive parents.  But most of our questions come screaming from our heart.  I can remember the last 24 hours of my mother's life.  I was pregnant with my daughter sally and had to leave my mom's side to go lay down in the waiting room.  I lay in my husband's arms silent.  And then the tears came flooding. And my heart screamed out, "WHY??!!!!"  "Tell me why she must suffer!!!"  My heart knew my God and believed Him, but there is something about suffering and pain that will cause you to ask and want to know more of God.  "Who are you really?!"  "I know you are doing something, but I can't see??  What about my mother??!!"  "Are you there??"  "Do you care?" "Do you exist!?"

In a waiting room when suffering or pain is involved, you panic to know "Is there more than what I see?"  I begged my husband to explain to me, what the bible means when it talks about the gain in suffering.   He was wise and let me wrestle in silence after my question and then he answered with grace and truth.  If anyone knows about suffering, it is my Lord, Jesus.  "Jesus understands better than we do that many times the most effective way for the glory of God to be advanced is through the suffering of His people." - As author Kelley who wrote, "Wednesdays were pretty normal", reminded me and my husband in that waiting room with my mom.  On May 18, 2008 I got up out of the waiting room and went to my mother and helped her fight with faith until her last breath.  I reminded her who her God was. I told her not to be afraid.  I assured her that He was who He says He is and will do what He says He will do.  And 10 hours later, she met that truth face to face and all of her tears were wiped away.  All of her sickness was gone.  And I had tasted faith and a greater understanding of my Lord.

So, I find myself again, in  a waiting room as we wait for kelly to come home.   It is a place between countries, a place between joy and pain, a place between questions and faith.  I have to go to the end of all my fears and questions, because it is there that I find who God really is.  He has been faithful to give us grace and faith in Him and what He will do.

Our waiting room is a place were we are becoming.  We are being changed.   Though I can't see all things, we are all changing.

Though we are in a waiting room, we still must live.  We must go on with school, neighbors, friends and family in this journey of life.  But this waiting room makes us see all these things we are living in differently.  And I am thankful for that.  One day Kelly will come home and we will enter a new journey.  But in the meantime, we are finding who God is.  We are experiencing love and generosity from so many people who help us fight in this waiting.  In the meantime, we are finding new life.

Today is Kelly Josiah's 5th birthday.  When we met him when he was 3 1/2 years old,  I never imagined we would be apart on his 5th birthday.  But it is what God had for us.  Not because He is not or He can't.  But because He made us and knows what is best.  Because He sees all things.  He has all power.  He is who He says He is.  He will do all things right and bring our son home, when it is good for us and for kelly.  For now, we will celebrate in the waiting room and live until God sees fit to end that time.  And then, the waiting will be over.  We will take a deep breath and breathe new life, not because it is over, but because we persevered and God's grace helped us endure the Waiting Room and bring us to a place were we came face to face with God.

Living between 2 Countries

It was 10:30pm and we landed in Austin, Texas. Another trip there and back. Exhausted.

I make my way around the gates and Stew goes ahead of me to get the car. I find myself imagining again...like I always do as I arrive back in Austin.

Imagining when my hands will have more than bags and my heart will be full with more than tears. I imagine the day when our son will come home and we will round the corner and head to baggage claim ending the life between two countries. It is the same thought each trip.

I come down the escalator and notice a group of folks waiting at the bottom. Turns out some kids are coming home from the Ukraine. Wow! Their life between 2 countries is ending..the very moment I imagine often in my mind. The Lord is gracious to give Hope as we often see others coming home when ours is not.

I realize as I wait for my baggage and watch the joy of others, today is just not the day. Kelly Josiah is not coming home today. We must continue to wait.

We just returned from Port au Prince, Haiti. It is our 6th trip. Traveling every 3 months between our children here and child there has become a new normal. Waiting has been a learned thing.

I am actually thankful for the things that each trip teaches us. We have gotten to know so many beautiful families!! I am honored to learn from another country apart from my own. Each time I enter Haiti, I feel closer to it and understand that is is a part of our family now b/c it is the culture of our son. I view it differently than if I were visiting some country for the first time, only to learn and walk away back to my own. I will never walk away from Haiti. It is a part of us now.

We got to meet Kelly Josiah's birth mom this trip. I was scared. I was nervous. Would I be good enough for her? Would Kelly wish to be back with her? Would his mother want him back? What to expect? I had too many thoughts.

She arrived about 4 hours late....typical Haitian time. =) But I was given courage that did not come from my own strength. I walked up to her and pointed Kelly out. She smiled. I gave her a hug. Kelly does not remember her well and would not go to her. I felt pain for her. She smiled bravely and patted Kelly on the shoulder not forcing him to go to her.

We went upstairs for lunch. This was a very strong woman. She was very articulate and knew why she came. She told us that many in her village had told her that she would never hear from us again once Kelly was in America. She said she wanted us to see her face so that we would not forget her and ask that we send her pictures. We told her with great joy that we would absolutely keep in touch.

We asked her questions about kelly's birth and life before we knew him. She told us stories. She helped us to see that Kelly was her favorite son, b/c of his disability. She told us that she knows God has a great purpose for his life. We agreed with her and shared about the things we believed and had seen in him already.

Then, I had to ask her. "Is this what you want for him? or do you wish to parent him?" With no hesitation she said she chose this for his life. And she proceeded to petition us to raise him for the purpose he was intended. I asked again, "Are you sure...this is your choice and not someone else's?" She confirmed it was her decision. She loved him so much that she chose this for him.

I am learning that the world is not lived through the grid in which I often see things. She did not give him to adoption b/c she did not love him, but B/c she loved him, she gave him to adoption.

I am constantly learning between my 2 countries. They each effect each other and I travel between them with so many lessons and some opportunities to apply them.

I know one day it will not be like this. But I am trusting that our lives will never be the same because of this journey.

We are learning to take the gifts in our waiting and living. This trip gave us a precious gift of a woman....a mother....who loved her son. It gave a new motivation to pursue and love Kelly bravely.

Before she left I was able, with many tears-she and I, to look her in the face and tell her that we would love her son as our own. That she would not have to worry. That together...she and I would mother Kelly Josiah to the purpose God intended for his life.

Waiting until our next trip...trying to apply here what I am learning there...

Christmas

John 1:12
But as many as received him, to them He gave the right to become the sons of God, to those who believe on his name;

Like every family..Christmas season brings us many things to "do"...many wonderful enjoyable things..parties, cookie making, getting our Christmas tree from the farm, Decorating, hot chocolate...school parties, good gifts.

But unlike some families, Christmas has a deep life meaning for us. It is the celebration for us that our Saviour did come. It reminds us who we are and why we are here. It perseveres us ahead into a new year.

The pictures in this post show smiling faces. They might make you think of a "happy family". We are happy indeed, but what the picture can not tell you is why we are happy. It can lead you to believe something about us. But I wanted to clarify that our lives really represent something about someone else.

What you can not see in these pictures is that most days, I am desperately in need of people's approval. And I will do good and bad to gain approval..to know "I am okay..I matter" I am desperate to feel loved.

What you can not see in these pictures is that my husband is desperate for power. He wants to influence as many people as possible so he can know "He is okay..He matters" He is desperate for love.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Wesley-grant and Kelly (our son who we are adopting from Haiti) are desperate for power and control. Wesley-grant wants to know he can be a leader...kelly wants to make sure no one hurts him again. They are unsure of love and their need of it.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Sally and Karis are desperate for approval and power. Sally wants to please everyone and never fail so that she will feel loved. karis wants to be in charge so that she can feel like she matters and is loved.

We are 6 people who can not make it on our own. On our best day we fail. On our best day we take credit for greatness and suppress the truth of God. In our grandest work our hearts want to be better than others and never allow anyone to matter more than us.

We are desperate people.

But there was Christmas. A long time ago, Jesus came. He came to do what He said He would do. He knew those he made before us, us, and those after us and that we would be desperate. That we would suppress His truth and try to find love on our own. We would create all kinds of ways...all kinds of pictures that looked like we had it all together. But God, who made us, knew our greatest need. And only He could come to save us when we could not save ourselves.

Christmas for us is the hope of our lives. Jesus came to do all we couldn't. Jesus came so that we would know we were loved. And as He says in His word, "give us the right to become children of God." No longer desperate or orphaned on our own. But saved. To learn a new way. To understand why we are here. To pour truth into the most terrible lie: "God does not love us".

This christmas, we will enjoy the traditions, the parties, the decorations, good gifts...but we celebrate b/c of the greatest gift ever given to us....Jesus.

What you also can not see in this picture, is that God is making us new...He is taking our brokenness and working for us. It is His work, not ours that makes all things well.

Christmas is life for us..and we are forever changed b/c of it.

I was afraid

We were flying over the Haitian Mountains...about to land...I opened up the bible and read psalm 92...3 things stuck out...The lord's lovingkindness in the morning and his faithfulness at night....God's work, not mine. I closed it and took a deep breath...we were about to land in a country that seemed like a second home now...i knew the routine...the gate, the smells, the people, the language...i knew the walkway from the airport to the taxi that lead us into a country that brings constant thought....we were entering our son's country to visit him again.

We arrived at the hotel...he had been staying with another adoptive family waiting on our arrival. I couldn't wait to hold him and tell him we had returned and we loved him! He was the only thing in the country that really seemed familiar...home...

As I made my way up the steps to find him and the wonderful friend who was caring for him, i imagined again, with expectation, an emotional response...from him...to hug me with a smile and some how let me know he had missed me....but as I went to take him he tried to get out of my arms and started to cry.

I was afraid.

I gave him to Michael and he did the same...Michael held him tight and kept telling him we were here and we loved him. He held him until he fell asleep in his arms.

It was evening and we took him and our things to our room. Kelly Josiah woke up and we let him open his suitcase and look at his things. It was better...it was familiar. I laughed and talked with him. We tickled him and got him dressed in his pajamas. We hugged and played for a while. But behind it all, I was afraid.

I lay down that night and said something I never thought I would have said in the journey of adoption. "Lord, I can't do this." His word came to mind..."the Lord's faithfulness in the evening...His works...." And i fell asleep.

Kelly woke us up as usual and we got out of bed to go eat! He loves eating together! I took a deep breath and remembered..."God's loving-kindness in the morning..."

This trip brought a lot of joy...but each trip teaches me something. Even things I am not seeking to be taught.

For this trip, I was afraid. I was afraid that my work and abilities would fail this whole adoption journey. I was afraid to help a hurting child. I was afraid to make anymore trips. I was afraid to go home without Kelly again. I was afraid Kelly would not come home in time to learn English well and be in school. i was afraid Kelly would hate me one day. I was afraid I couldn't handle all that was necessary to walk ahead.

At the beginning of each day, I would wake with fear and beg God to show me Himself...at the end of the day I would lay down with fear but trust the He was faithful. I lived with this cloud of fear around me all week, but what is crazy is it didn't consume me. In the midst of being afraid, I was taught something.

Every night before bed, Kelly would throw a refusal tantrum about going to sleep and Michael would hold him close and I would stay close as Michael sang and told him we loved him. We have done that since we first met him. It has always been in those moments that I see myself. The Lord holds me every time in my refusals, confusion, wrestling...What a child really wants to know in those times is "Am i really loved?"

My insecurities about Kelly are stemmed in my own insecurity with God. Does He love me? Will He be faithful? Is it my work, or HIS WORK?Was I adopted into God's family by my work? Did God's work fail the journey or make the journey of adoption for me? Is His loving-kindness forever and His faithfulness for all eternity? Am I His child, loved?

It was God's work that set me free. (romans 5:8, Galatians 4) He did not and will not fail. (Deut. 32:4) He loves me. I am His.

The same truth to save me will be the same truth to save Kelly Josiah. I see that he and I both have insecurities in this whole adoption story...but it will be God's work, love and faithfulness that will rescue both of us. The Lord is carrying both of us.

Michael and I started this journey begging God to work apart from our abilities or resources....so that when times came and it got hard...I got afraid...We would be reminded that this story is God's and about His work. That His work would assure us we were right were we needed to be. And we could breathe and trust moving ahead.

That is exactly what happened this last trip. And as I ponder it and find myself walking forward instead of running away I am overwhelmed with His love, faithfulness and Great works and give Him praise!

We journey ahead...not b/c of our works but b/c of the One who has saved us. We wait for Him. Wait and watch with us. He is writing a great story of His love.....Stay with us, you won't want to miss what God has in store. =) thank you for praying us this far...continue with us ahead.

I was afraid, but God has me.

from Psalm 92

It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; ²to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, ⁴For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

⁵How great are your works, O LORD!

Your thoughts are very deep!

Everything Rides on Hope

We are heading to Haiti again in a week. The trips to Haiti have become a new normal for us. We all start to get that feeling again...of leaving each other...the kids and stew and I. But we start our conversations again about now...and we remember God has carried us through this before...He always provides...and Kelly has not seen us for 3 months. We all take a deep breath and trust.

We got to skype with Kelly today and it was good for the kids to talk with him...to see that their brother needs us to come to him. After we skyped, i just sat on the floor of my bedroom. I wanted to burst into tears, but they were held back. I just thought, "Will he ever come home?"

We have been waiting since June 1st for a document to complete Kelly's Birth Certificate. Our dossier has sat waiting on his papers since August. Many who have walked this Haitian trail before can say, "yep, that is Haiti." But when it is your story...the waiting and the wondering and the praying and watching can come to a halt one day and you ask...will this 'new normal' ever end? You come to a place when you look for Hope. And you realize it is not found in any Haitian, agency or orphanage worker....it is not found in man.

A friend texted me this morning and said she woke up praying for kelly, the paperwork and for his homecoming. Tears came down my face as I thought...."My friends are carrying me when i have sat down in weariness." I am so thankful for the many of you who are walking with us! So thankful!

"Will he ever come home?" That is the storm that rages these days within me. But I was reminded of truth from a song and the Lord continues to bring me back to that. Everything truly rides on Hope and Faith. Since I was adopted into God's family...that is my journey. I so quickly forget...When the storm rises within me, i want to head for the shore. I have forgotten that I am not my own. This journey of adoption was not designed by me. I am God's....Kelly's story is God's and we as a family are riding on HOPE in His work, not ours.

Please continue to pray for us as we journey ahead. Here is our story captured so far...I am waiting on part 2....until then, the Lord of all will set my sight on His perfect provisions and carry me. And I will let my faith rise to Him alone. Where else would we ever go?!

Yes, Kelly will one day come home...until then...stay with us...we are still walking this road and need you with us.

http://vimeo.com/31232831

When the world has broken me down, your love sets me free. Everything rides on HOPE now. Everything rides on FAITH some how. I am not my own. I have been carried by you, all my life. You have become my heart's desire...i now see a grace that is higher. Your love sets me free. When my life is like a storm...rising waters...all i want is the shore...If everything comes down to love...then why am i afraid? when i call out your name...something inside awakens in my soul...how quickly i forget...i am yours...i am not my own...i have been carried by you, all my life...from the song "Hope Now" by Addison Road

What Haiti is teaching Us...Faith

"Kelly fell, get him!!!!" screamed stew. It was Thursday evening. Our last evening in Haiti. We had just finished dinner and were off to bed. The big ache had been within me all day. Tomorrow I would say good-bye again and continue the waiting for our son to come home.

But suddenly the ache turned in to a cry out to Jesus and I went to rescue my son from his fall.

Stew picked him up and we went into our room. Blood was all over his face. I grabbed towels and applied pressure where his wound was. Kelly's little world had turn quickly from happy looking at lights into fear and cries. "Mama's here...Mama's here, kelly." Was all I could say over and over to him as I kept the towel over his wound with pressure. I will never forget that moment. It was fast and furious to help him, call the Orphanage and cradle him in our arms reminding him that Love was all around him and that he did not have to be afraid. I remember looking at him between his cries while stew ran to get a phone and said, "Jesus will heal you, kelly...Jezi loves you, Kelly." And as he calmed down, i found again my own story in my son's story...he and I are the same...wounded in need of Jesus to heal us.

Stew returned and held him, "Papa loves you...mama loves you...Jezi loves you." he would say over and over in English and then in creole. We prayed over him and waited for the Orphanage director to get there. We knew that he would have to return and we would have to say our good-byes that night.

Our last week in Haiti was different than the rest. The first trip was "magical" with everything new....the second was somewhat difficult, struggling with discontentment in waiting, frustration with the culture and language, insecure of self....but this last one, things have changed for all of us...We went to Haiti seeking God's wonders that are without number. We saw so much of what God has been doing in us and in Kelly. Haiti is teaching us.

Teaching us most that we can trust in our LORD. He is faithful. His love is never-ending. He is our God, even if we don't see Him as such. He is working, even if we are sitting discontent. He is helping all of us. This trip we experienced a since of "Home". Haiti, for now, is our 2nd home. Our time with Kelly was wonderful. He is learning English and mastering so many new skills. Stew and I are trusting the Lord to direct us in parenting and loving Kelly.

But at the end of the day all 3 of us are HIS alone. Our trust in ourselves is fading as we find the Lord's never-ending love.

Before I left, I was reminded of the story of Peter walking on the water.

Matthew 14:28-33

Peter said to Him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water" And He said, "Come!" And peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him saying, "You are certainly God's Son!"

It was not peter's faith or lack of faith that caused him to sink or be saved. It was all god's doing. Surely Peter would have crashed straight down into the sea rather than sink slowly after seeing the wind. The Lord gave the wind, and held peter even as he sank. The Lord had peter all along...The Lord wanted peter to put all of his trust in Him, not in anything else.

We got out of the boat and pursued adoption as God had called us, but winds of processes and waiting have made us fearful at times. The Lord keeps his hand on us as we sink at times, but every step with Haiti has shown us our own story of adoption into God's family. We have cried out for God to save us over and over...and He has! Haiti is teaching us that God is certainly who He says He is. And that is changing us.

We walked Kelly to the car Thursday night. We prayed over him and against any lies that would creep in as we gave him back. He was calm at first. Then we looked at him and began to tell him as we have before, "We will return for you. Papa loves you, mama loves you, Jesus loves you. We will not leave you as orphan. We will come for you." Kelly began to wail. Tears flowed down all of our faces as the grace of God held us. We put him in the car and he was taken for bandages and to wait until we return. Stew and I stood in the dark crying together for what seemed like forever. But I could hear my savior's voice..."Trust in Me. I am working. Let your faith rise to be your sight. I will wipe away every tear one day...I am healing all of your wounds."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear. For I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you. For I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And so we are learning Faith as we continue to wait. Not faith in ourselves, the governments, our agency, our resources. But faith in the one who is faithful. The one who is savior for all. Our Lord, Jesus Christ.