Saying "yes" to everything, not knowing anything

I remember the moment when Stew looked across the dinner table at me and pulled out a map and said, "it is time". We began to walk openly towards adopting. You know, the journey so far is kind of like marriage. You walk down the aisle and you make a vow. You vow to everything when you know nothing. You vow to take the good and the bad, not able to imagine there would ever be bad.

That has been how our adoption process has gone so far. We vowed to go forward no matter what...vowing to everything but knowing nothing until the Lord would/will show us or lead us through it.

The Lord has shown so much! Our agency, our country, our son. He has given us people, money, resources, packing lists, encouraging words, new friends, suitcases, plane miles, babysitters, car rides, provisions beyond our recall. Most of all he has given us His heart and story of our own adoption. We still have not recovered, and I pray we don't, from the mirror picture of Kelly's adoption to our own adoption through Jesus to God Himself.

But you know when you get to that point when the "honeymoon" time fades...like all good things here do....and you find the hard things...the waiting...the new things seem old. It is at that point when we either push through and find newness of spring after the winter snow....or we shatter in the waiting and turn to something else for comfort.

I found myself there the last few days of our recent trip to Haiti. It was like someone took a bag and put it over my head and didn't lift it until i got on the plane heading back for the US. I hated it and struggled to push through it. I am still processing it. I couldn't wait to go see Kelly and hold him and i found myself in the end wishing i was back home. I can't tell you exactly why, but as I have processed it over the last few days I have found a few things. 1. I never like to anticipate pain-Saying good bye to Kelly was something i found myself wanting to just run from this time. 2. The reality of the waiting for our son to come home completely disappointed me and I wanted to bail. 3. I became so self consumed with my feelings that I couldn't even see the needs of my own family...(Stew and kelly)

This trip was full of wonderful things. We learned more of Kelly's first mother. I am thankful to gather the stories to share with him and hold honor for him and her. We celebrated kelly's 4th birthday with a party. It was a wonderful normal! (birthday kid throws a tantrum and spits out his cake...but everyone else is taking pictures and says it is wonderful eating so much candy! have to be honest, but still enjoyed it none the less) We got to talk to Kelly about his name. "Kelly Josiah Stewart" He will tell you if you ask him...it is so cute! We got to talk to him about our house here and tell him we are preparing it for him. We got to love him through tantrums and fun times playing together! We learned that his stuff for his dossier is getting ready quickly to meet up with ours when it gets there in a few weeks.

I could and will write down a "proverbs 31" account of all the right and good things and celebrate them. And I will. But in between all the good and right are valleys we don't expect that teach us truths about ourselves, and ultimately are to point us to truth about God. And I want to write down those moments too. Because I have found it is in the moments of valley's or pain that we find our need for God and grow close to Him.

So in our "bliss" I have experienced the truth of myself that I can't keep a "vow". I really only want the right things...the fun things...the happy things...I don't want the low times, the dark times, or the self-centered times. I don't want the waiting. I don't want the pain. But I am learning that the very story we are experiencing of truth, grace and love with Kelly is my own needed story. I can't do anything apart from the LORD. I can never stand without truth, grace or love. I need it as much as Kelly needs it. The last few days there with Kelly are a blur...i remember feeling every insecurity I could have ever felt in my life. All my failures flooding my mind and me doubting everything behind and ahead. But someone told me they were praying that "hope would rise as I waited on the LORD" I could hear that faintly in the midst. By God's grace I waited through it without leaving michael, screaming in the streets of Haiti or hurting kelly. I waited. And hope rose. In my failures comes God's redemption. And all over again, I experienced saving grace...the need for every human life.

And so from this trip I was brought back to the strong truth that adoption (and marriage too) has always been God's doing and only He can do it. And by His love and grace we will all be changed from it in the end.

Continuing on ahead, knowing that to step into everything, knowing little to nothing of what lies ahead, is okay. If there is a step, then there is a place ahead to go. And Jesus will be there all along the way.

Heading to Haiti again

Isaiah 30:18

Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.

A mentor of mine sent me this verse today saying she was praying for my time in Haiti this week. It gave comfort in so many ways. The grace, compassion, justice and blessings that come from my Lord was what I needed to read and what my heart needed to cling to.

We are so thankful for all of you who are praying for us. All of you who serve us in all the details that it takes to go to Haiti. We are so thankful for all of you who are getting documents, sending requests and referral letters for us. To our agency who tirelessly works to get our documents ready for Haiti. We are so thankful for each penny that comes from each of you when we least expect it or when we never expected it. We are in the middle of this first part of our journey, but I just can't even keep count of all that the Lord has given.

He is writing His story on all of our hearts.

I found myself back at the post office again for the same document! =) Without kids, longer line, but with hope. I was able to ask so much of my Father in that line that worrying about the document or timing or kelly or picking up my son in 20 minutes faded away. I am finding in this season to trust the LORD in all the details of my life. I long for Kelly to come home, but I would never trade what God is teaching us as a family or displaying to all of you watching.

We are headed to Haiti again.

May 9-15th we will be there. So, here are some things you can pray for this next week. Every time you take a drink, will you pray for us?

1. Pray for our children in Austin. Our prayer for them is not that they would be happy and never sad, but that God would show himself to them in this tension of being away from us. Pray that they would know and trust that we love them, but more that God loves them and has a purpose in all of this. I pray they would sense the story of God. That what we teach them of our LORD would become real life for them.

2. Pray for Kelly Josiah Stewart. That the Lord would give him grace to accept and understand us and what is happening. Pray for courage as he takes steps towards us as we are moving towards him. Pray that he would feel our love for him. Pray for a soft heart that is full of hope.

3. Pray for us. Pray that stew and I would grow closer together in this process. Pray for our marriage to be strengthened. Pray for us to love and respect each other. Pray for our own courage and trust of the Lord in leaving kelly there.

Thank you for praying for us each time you take a drink. Our cups are full and we will drink of our Lord's goodness as we head to Haiti again. And of course, we will continue to share it all with you! Look for updates on facebook as we can.

Because you are my SON

^{I find myself at that place again...between there and here. Between coming home and planning for the next return to Haiti. I find so much weakness on my part. So much need for Jesus. Day by day...minute by minute...He is faithful to carry us ahead. He is not only faithful, but He is so personal in helping us at each needy moment.}

^{I found myself in line today at the post office...for over 40 minutes. We have one document that has needed to be changed again...so i am waiting to express mail something again. 3 kids, long line, one clerk. You can see the picture! =) My heart was racing...my body was tense...I literally imagined myself yelling out at the clerk, "hey can you get any damn person up here to help, this is crazy!"...If God had not have been holding my mouth, i really think i would have yelled that out...i started to sweat like every mother with 3 kids in a long line waiting on time sensitive material...it was awful. And then, in the quietness of my soul, I sensed the LORD saying, "Lean on me".}

^{You see, that is how it works in a relationship. I am a daughter of the KING. Jesus is my LORD. But he is my Heavenly Father. I often forget his promises. I often forget that He has all my days and everything for me. I forget my own adoption. That he sent Jesus to come and die to appease the law that I could only break. He sent Jesus to do all the work that I could not do. He sent Jesus to give me all that I did not have. Why? Because He is my father. I am his daughter. At the perfect time, He opened my eyes and ears to see and hear his voice. To be awakened to new life and to be in His family when I was far off. But i doubt it in those moments like at the post office...or when people don't approve of me...or when I want to control my husband or children. I forget I am a daughter of the KING. There is nothing I could ever do to change my status. Jesus paid all for me, like a big fat debt. Because of Jesus' work, I am declared a child of God. I am a daughter.}

^{Abraham never wavered HOPE in regard to God's promise to him. This is a reality and prayer for our son, Kelly. We skyped with him last Sunday and he was like the first time we saw him. Just starring. Not really responding. There was so much behind his eyes. It was all i could do not to cry as we spoke that we loved him. That he was our son. That mama and papa were coming. We would not leave him there. Kelly has been left over and over by many. I feared that he had lost hope..or doubt us. My prayer is for HOPE for him.}

^{But despite. Kelly is our son. Though we left him, we had to. We have to go and prepare our home for him. Everything we have is his, because he is our son. But we must appease all the laws for USA and Haiti for kelly. We have to do this for him to be declared our son. But in the waiting, he is our son. We will come for him. We will not leave him orphaned. Kelly can't do anything that we are doing. He can't make himself our son. Only what we do makes him our son. Nothing he does or doesn't do will change his staus. He is our son and because he is our son, he can have hope and not doubt. He can believe the promise we have made to him, that we will come for him. Because he is our son.}

Because he is our son, I stood in the line today at the post office. And i heard the whisper of my savior that because I am his daughter, I can ask Him for all things. So I asked him for help in my weakness. I asked him for another clerk. I asked him for this document to get there in the perfect timing. I asked him for the patience to wait for the day He has planned for Kelly's home coming...trusting Him for the day I too will meet my savior face to face....and finally be home myself. And He did for me, because I am his daughter.

Thank you Jesus for your reminders of our adoption as your children. I pray that many more of your children will hear your voice and come to you.

Romans 4

¹⁸In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, "SO SHALL YOUR DESCENDANTS BE."

¹⁹Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb;

²⁰yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God,

²¹and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

²²Therefore IT WAS ALSO CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

²³Now not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him,

²⁴but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead,

²⁵He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification.

JOHN 14

¹"Do not let your heart be troubled;believe in God, believe also in Me.

²"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.

³"If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.

⁴"And you know the way where I am going."

⁵Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?"

⁶Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

¹⁸"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Waiting

Romans 8

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.

³For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh,

⁴so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

⁴For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

¹⁵For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

¹⁶The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,

¹⁷and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

¹⁸For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

¹⁹For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope

²¹that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

²²For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.

²³And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

²⁴For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

²⁶In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

²⁷and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

²⁸And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

²⁹For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

³⁰and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

³²He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

³³Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies;

³⁴who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.

³⁵Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

³⁶Just as it is written,

"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;

WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

³⁷But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

³⁹nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This passage was read to us this weekend as our family went on a retreat with our adoption agency...for rest and training. It was a gift. I realized there that I had been a "wreck" all week due to the longing and waiting in my heart for Kelly. But these verses of real life in me, give comfort to the real life in waiting for kelly's adoption into our family.

I don't have many words right now. I am watching myself change as much as i want kelly's life to change. It is hard. It is good.

I was reading Narnia to Wesley-grant last night and it talked about why lucy could see Aslan's face when others could not. It was because she "knew his face". Edmund, when being accused of all his wrongs by the witch, though he felt he must do or say something, knew that he only must keep his eyes on Aslan's face.

I must keep my eye on my Father's face. My Lord has never failed. He who made adoption will also see Kelly's adoption through.

So we wait. May 9-15th we get to go and spend with kelly again! I am so excited! 28 more days! =)

When you pray, ask for God to bring Kelly home (as well as all of our friends' children) this year.

More later

Shine your face upon us

Psalm 119:135

Make Your face shine upon Your servant,

And teach me Your statutes.

I think back on the week with kelly. It seems so familiar in my mind. He is brilliant! He builds towers, plays with cars, jumps off of couches onto pillows, loves curious george now and is a child that loves life. He has an amazing throwing arm! We loved tossing the ball and saying "I love you, Kelly" with each throw. This was what helped us transfer creole words to english.

The next few days with kelly after the beach just became normal life. We longed for our other kids to be there, but we made life in haiti life for us and held on to every moment.

Kelly's first bath was hilarious! I started the shower and he looked at me terrified..."oh right, you probably take a shower out of a bucket"...so i asked him "where?" in creole and he pointed at the mini sink on the wall. My eyes were huge, but oh well. It is funny how when you are in another country that you don't mind trying crazy things. I would never have done this in america. Somehow normal gets thrown out the window.

So, he sat in the sink laughing while i scrubbed him and then poured water from a cup over his body. It was a blast! I bathed him more than i should have simply b/c it was fun! =)

I learned how to comb his hair, oil his hair, lotion his little body and figured out his look for needing to go to the bathroom. He loves brushing his teeth! Can't wait for him to teach that to his brother and sisters back home! =)

Kelly has been through a lot, but God has sustained life in him. I was amazed every moment at this kid! We taught him how to drink spark! =) My son is such a gift to us. He makes us think of the Lord every moment.

A new week begins today. We skyped with Kelly yesterday and it warmed our hearts just to see his face with our own eyes! It is a grace to us to help us in this journey. I know many don't get to see their children or hear from them as often as we will. I do not take that lightly..i am so thankful. Sometimes i think, "if i can just see his face and know he is okay, i will be better" 

BUT Today, I was reminded that God's will is always happening. His rescue, His blessings, His plans are always working. As much as I want to see kelly's face, i realized that it is the LORD's face that i must seek to see to help me walk day by day. His face will give me great hope! His face is the face that will save my son. His face works all things. He alone saves. God has held Kelly this long and will hold him until he is home with us. I seek the Lord's face as I long for Kelly.

Waiting in the sadness and hope...our first few days

Our first day with Kelly on the balcony
Beach fun!
smiles were endless...this kid was more and different than we had ever imagined before
Each morning I wake up and have to face 2 things. Kelly is not with us today. But I get to see him in 38 days. I waver between the sadness and the hope. I am challenged to believe His promises and trusting that God has taken care of Kelly this far and can take care of him ahead.

Stew got home Thursday and the reality hit hardest then. I no longer could skype with Kelly in the mornings to keep my pain numb...sight was gone and I now had to trust until the next skype call and the next visit. We linger over videos and pictures all the time. Our son Wesleygrant is even found with tears as he watches the videos and asks, 'mommy, why can't Kelly come home?'. Such a question that we all ask. But one that draws us closer to our Lord in dependence and trust that He is working to do just that. We wait for him.

How am i feeling...everyone wants to ask me this...some do, some don't. Well, we are overjoyed at the wonder we have experienced....but then deeply waiting for it to be not just a glimpse, but a full picture! I imagine the disciples felt this way after Jesus ascended to heaven. And even before that, John 14 Jesus tells the disciples, "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." We hang on the truth that God loves Kelly more than us...God saves orphans and has led us here...and will lead us ahead. God will let us come again. God has a day when Kelly will come home with us. We are in pain, but with great trust held up by grace within us. That is how we feel.

So, "how did the first few days go." were you scared?

We arrived in PAP and made our way to the His Home Children's Home to meet Kelly. We finally saw him with our eyes...a longing we had had for a month. We held him close and he sat there. We proceeded to the guest-home to meet up with the other families and their children. All 3 of us were scared. Kelly seemed to be terrified...i imagine he thought he was being transported to another place yet again. Tears ran down my face. For him, and myself. He was scared...I was scared.

We arrived there and the Lord had already provided wonderful people to support and guide us. I am so thankful for the relationships and families God has placed us with!

We made our way upstairs, just the 3 of us, to all get acclimated. We were all 3 a little overwhelmed. We pulled out a box of toys we had brought for Kelly and we began to play with him. I had never seen kelly talk...he was talking and smiling as we played cars with him.

I remember being up on that balcony playing with our son for the first time. I was afraid that moment would be awkward...but it wasn't. It was normal...right. Did we ever explain that we were his mama and papa? no...we just were. We began to care for him as our son. everything we brought him was his and we began to live life as a family. I don't remember the first time, but it was that first day that kelly already called us papa and mama. We were his papa and mama b/c we treated him as a son. He felt has our son. It was just like we had come to see Wesleygrant. I will never be able to explain it...it was just something God did.

The next day we headed to the beach. I remember the car ride out there that took over an hour to go 10 miles...and thought as i passed by people, tents, mass graves, city and country....How in the world did i get here? This is crazy! Indeed, God brought us here and yes, it is totally crazy to human understanding. But then again, God always turns things upside down. =)

The first night, Kelly didn't want to go to bed...i can only imagine how different it was to be sleeping in a room with parents verses a lot of little ones. He threw a tantrum and we held him in our arms saying over and over in creole "mwen renmen u" "i love you".."Ou r bel, kelly." "You are wonderful, Kelly". I have to say that this happened every night but the last night. And it was not a disappointment for me, but one of my favorite moments of the whole time with him. Stew would hold him as he struggled. We both had our arms around him and would sing and say those things over him...sometimes for 30 minutes. He would settle down and we would all sleep. Each time i thought of how Kelly desperately longed for love...but didn't know what he longed for. I too...all humans...long for love, but don't always know what that longing looks or feels like. The Lord has and is doing just this with me all the time. I throw a fit with anger, worry, rebellion or hate. He takes me up in His arms and tells me, "I love you" "Kimberly, I made you wonderful." "I love you." And I slowly settle down to peace and I can truly live. I could tell that Kelly was experiencing a similar thing...I saw love breaking threw to Kelly's heart.

Our faith continues ahead to Haiti

Psalm 82 1-3

God has taken his place in the divine council;
in the midst of the gods he holds judgment:
²"How long will you judge unjustly
and show partiality to the wicked?
Selah

³ Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
⁴ Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

With every child the Lord has given me, I have found more death to myself and more life in understanding the God of the Bible. With each season with them I find that faith is walking with no sight. Kelly is no different. My son in Haiti brings me down the road again of death to myself and life in the Lord. This journey of adoption has been amazing...and it seems to never stop. I understand more and more that rescuing orphans...change in any of us humans is absolutely the work of God and never the work of our own hands. I am brought to tears every moment it hits me that I get to walk down this road of adoption.

We went to visit Kelly March 22nd. Exactly a month from the day we realized he was our son. We got to spend a week with him doing life with him in Haiti. We were with other adoptive families and their children. As stew and i got on each plane closer to Haiti, I was in wonder, trust and uncertainty. We had been praying for specific things in Kelly and couldn't wait to see how the Lord had helped kelly. On the plane i was in a constant state of stuggle..leaving kids behind and living life with our son ahead. Faith...no sight.

But the good news of why Jesus came to us was clearer and clearer. Kelly was playing in the orphanage while we were flying nearer and nearer. He had no clue we were coming and that we had chosen him. He had no clue he was our son. But we were coming. We were packed ready with all the things he would ever need. We would arrive soon. We would take him up and love him. We were coming. Soon our eyes would meet and faith would soon yield way to sight.