Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I was afraid

We were flying over the Haitian Mountains...about to land...I opened up the bible and read psalm 92...3 things stuck out...The lord's lovingkindness in the morning and his faithfulness at night....God's work, not mine. I closed it and took a deep breath...we were about to land in a country that seemed like a second home now...i knew the routine...the gate, the smells, the people, the language...i knew the walkway from the airport to the taxi that lead us into a country that brings constant thought....we were entering our son's country to visit him again.

We arrived at the hotel...he had been staying with another adoptive family waiting on our arrival. I couldn't wait to hold him and tell him we had returned and we loved him! He was the only thing in the country that really seemed familiar...home...

As I made my way up the steps to find him and the wonderful friend who was caring for him, i imagined again, with expectation, an emotional response...from hug me with a smile and some how let me know he had missed me....but as I went to take him he tried to get out of my arms and started to cry.

I was afraid.

I gave him to Michael and he did the same...Michael held him tight and kept telling him we were here and we loved him. He held him until he fell asleep in his arms.
It was evening and we took him and our things to our room. Kelly Josiah woke up and we let him open his suitcase and look at his things. It was was familiar. I laughed and talked with him. We tickled him and got him dressed in his pajamas. We hugged and played for a while. But behind it all, I was afraid.

I lay down that night and said something I never thought I would have said in the journey of adoption. "Lord, I can't do this." His word came to mind..."the Lord's faithfulness in the evening...His works...." And i fell asleep.

Kelly woke us up as usual and we got out of bed to go eat! He loves eating together! I took a deep breath and remembered..."God's loving-kindness in the morning..."

This trip brought a lot of joy...but each trip teaches me something. Even things I am not seeking to be taught.

For this trip, I was afraid. I was afraid that my work and abilities would fail this whole adoption journey. I was afraid to help a hurting child. I was afraid to make anymore trips. I was afraid to go home without Kelly again. I was afraid Kelly would not come home in time to learn English well and be in school. i was afraid Kelly would hate me one day. I was afraid I couldn't handle all that was necessary to walk ahead.

At the beginning of each day, I would wake with fear and beg God to show me the end of the day I would lay down with fear but trust the He was faithful. I lived with this cloud of fear around me all week, but what is crazy is it didn't consume me. In the midst of being afraid, I was taught something.

Every night before bed, Kelly would throw a refusal tantrum about going to sleep and Michael would hold him close and I would stay close as Michael sang and told him we loved him. We have done that since we first met him. It has always been in those moments that I see myself. The Lord holds me every time in my refusals, confusion, wrestling...What a child really wants to know in those times is "Am i really loved?"

My insecurities about Kelly are stemmed in my own insecurity with God. Does He love me? Will He be faithful? Is it my work, or HIS WORK?Was I adopted into God's family by my work? Did God's work fail the journey or make the journey of adoption for me? Is His loving-kindness forever and His faithfulness for all eternity? Am I His child, loved?

It was God's work that set me free. (romans 5:8, Galatians 4) He did not and will not fail. (Deut. 32:4) He loves me. I am His.

The same truth to save me will be the same truth to save Kelly Josiah. I see that he and I both have insecurities in this whole adoption story...but it will be God's work, love and faithfulness that will rescue both of us. The Lord is carrying both of us.

Michael and I started this journey begging God to work apart from our abilities or that when times came and it got hard...I got afraid...We would be reminded that this story is God's and about His work. That His work would assure us we were right were we needed to be. And we could breathe and trust moving ahead.

That is exactly what happened this last trip. And as I ponder it and find myself walking forward instead of running away I am overwhelmed with His love, faithfulness and Great works and give Him praise!

We journey ahead...not b/c of our works but b/c of the One who has saved us. We wait for Him. Wait and watch with us. He is writing a great story of His love.....Stay with us, you won't want to miss what God has in store. =) thank you for praying us this far...continue with us ahead.

I was afraid, but God has me.

from Psalm 92
It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; 2to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, 4For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

5How great are your works, O LORD!
Your thoughts are very deep!