Monday morning, here I go again. Attempting to walk right back into life after saying good-bye to my son in Haiti for the 12th time. But I find myself at a familiar cliff looking out into an ocean of unknowns.
The routine is typical. Kids back in school, looking at calendar to see what the week holds, grocery list, wading through the "to do's" that fill up my list. One would think that being gone a week would not effect much. And I agree, but it isn't even the week missed that effects me so much, it is the weeks that lay ahead that are hard to walk forward in.
I find myself at that familiar place again. Wishing I could go sit alone for a while and sort through my emotions. It is the good-bye and the waiting and the tears and the laughter with Kelly that is hard but it is also living between 2 countries . I step on a plane and I am instantly in a world of need or a world of abundance. I leave a world going fast and into a world who knows nothing of time or urgency. I walk into a world of order into a world of chaos.
I am changed...and continue to change as I travel between these two worlds...and yet, every time I get back to this world, I find it hard to re-enter. It is familiar more than the world of Haiti. But it seems that my world here can not handle the things in which the other world has taught me. I find myself paralyzed. Walking forward but numb and weary.
This morning I screamed, "ENOUGH!" I can't handle anymore. I am going to break down and I fear lose myself in this war that rages with the mind, the body and the soul....leaving me and many others on this journey wounded....weary.
How do we keep on? It seems the closer we get to bringing Kelly home the more bitter, "waiting" is. Perhaps this journey is simply to prepare us for the next journey of having him home.
As soon as I screamed "Enough!" I heard the Lord say, "Has my grace run out? My strength run out? have I run out?" "Enough, means there is no more help to move on....am I all knowing to say that God has run out?"
We are a people who filter our lives through the truth that God has set before us. We wearied out a long time ago on our own thoughts, strengths and beliefs. We have found the truth of God to set us free over and over and carry us through the greatest battles and into the greatest victories. But as we wait for Him to make all things right, as He will one day, we waver in unbelief in moments like this.
2 1/2 years between 2 countries seeking to bring our son home. Is this God forgetting about us? oh, we have asked that question a million times. But though we doubt, truth remains. God has not forgotten. He is on the move...He is working in all things to bring about something beautiful. And often we can only find a few of the thousand things He is doing.
Our friends who wait with us, You know this journey I speak about, don't you? You know the Monday morning after Skype days with our kids or after Bonding trips that end in "not yet, my child". You know that shaping that is happening in our hearts and minds. I am so thankful for you.
Rather than saying, "ENOUGH!" today I am reminded that God has not run out. That is my battle- to believe HIM. His nearness is our good. What I really am screaming for is my need for "enough strength, enough grace, enough provisions, enough mercy, enough power, enough justice." Is my God enough? He says he is. And so that is what I will bank my life on today...even if I can't get my schedule together or motivation to get back into "life".
When I have had enough, He is enough.
And I can trust that my son will come home, when God Himself, says, "ENOUGH". Not a minute will continue as it is and my son will come home. And we will be able to say, "God was enough for all of our needs"
Though I walk slowly back into this world today, I walk. And trust that the Lord who directed me in this path will see me through it to the very end.
Help me believe, Lord, Help me believe! ENOUGH! Be ENOUGH for us, Father!!
Psalm 40:17 As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!