Christmas

John 1:12
But as many as received him, to them He gave the right to become the sons of God, to those who believe on his name;

Like every family..Christmas season brings us many things to "do"...many wonderful enjoyable things..parties, cookie making, getting our Christmas tree from the farm, Decorating, hot chocolate...school parties, good gifts.

But unlike some families, Christmas has a deep life meaning for us. It is the celebration for us that our Saviour did come. It reminds us who we are and why we are here. It perseveres us ahead into a new year.

The pictures in this post show smiling faces. They might make you think of a "happy family". We are happy indeed, but what the picture can not tell you is why we are happy. It can lead you to believe something about us. But I wanted to clarify that our lives really represent something about someone else.

What you can not see in these pictures is that most days, I am desperately in need of people's approval. And I will do good and bad to gain approval..to know "I am okay..I matter" I am desperate to feel loved.

What you can not see in these pictures is that my husband is desperate for power. He wants to influence as many people as possible so he can know "He is okay..He matters" He is desperate for love.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Wesley-grant and Kelly (our son who we are adopting from Haiti) are desperate for power and control. Wesley-grant wants to know he can be a leader...kelly wants to make sure no one hurts him again. They are unsure of love and their need of it.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Sally and Karis are desperate for approval and power. Sally wants to please everyone and never fail so that she will feel loved. karis wants to be in charge so that she can feel like she matters and is loved.

We are 6 people who can not make it on our own. On our best day we fail. On our best day we take credit for greatness and suppress the truth of God. In our grandest work our hearts want to be better than others and never allow anyone to matter more than us.

We are desperate people.

But there was Christmas. A long time ago, Jesus came. He came to do what He said He would do. He knew those he made before us, us, and those after us and that we would be desperate. That we would suppress His truth and try to find love on our own. We would create all kinds of ways...all kinds of pictures that looked like we had it all together. But God, who made us, knew our greatest need. And only He could come to save us when we could not save ourselves.

Christmas for us is the hope of our lives. Jesus came to do all we couldn't. Jesus came so that we would know we were loved. And as He says in His word, "give us the right to become children of God." No longer desperate or orphaned on our own. But saved. To learn a new way. To understand why we are here. To pour truth into the most terrible lie: "God does not love us".

This christmas, we will enjoy the traditions, the parties, the decorations, good gifts...but we celebrate b/c of the greatest gift ever given to us....Jesus.

What you also can not see in this picture, is that God is making us new...He is taking our brokenness and working for us. It is His work, not ours that makes all things well.

Christmas is life for us..and we are forever changed b/c of it.

I was afraid

We were flying over the Haitian Mountains...about to land...I opened up the bible and read psalm 92...3 things stuck out...The lord's lovingkindness in the morning and his faithfulness at night....God's work, not mine. I closed it and took a deep breath...we were about to land in a country that seemed like a second home now...i knew the routine...the gate, the smells, the people, the language...i knew the walkway from the airport to the taxi that lead us into a country that brings constant thought....we were entering our son's country to visit him again.

We arrived at the hotel...he had been staying with another adoptive family waiting on our arrival. I couldn't wait to hold him and tell him we had returned and we loved him! He was the only thing in the country that really seemed familiar...home...

As I made my way up the steps to find him and the wonderful friend who was caring for him, i imagined again, with expectation, an emotional response...from him...to hug me with a smile and some how let me know he had missed me....but as I went to take him he tried to get out of my arms and started to cry.

I was afraid.

I gave him to Michael and he did the same...Michael held him tight and kept telling him we were here and we loved him. He held him until he fell asleep in his arms.

It was evening and we took him and our things to our room. Kelly Josiah woke up and we let him open his suitcase and look at his things. It was better...it was familiar. I laughed and talked with him. We tickled him and got him dressed in his pajamas. We hugged and played for a while. But behind it all, I was afraid.

I lay down that night and said something I never thought I would have said in the journey of adoption. "Lord, I can't do this." His word came to mind..."the Lord's faithfulness in the evening...His works...." And i fell asleep.

Kelly woke us up as usual and we got out of bed to go eat! He loves eating together! I took a deep breath and remembered..."God's loving-kindness in the morning..."

This trip brought a lot of joy...but each trip teaches me something. Even things I am not seeking to be taught.

For this trip, I was afraid. I was afraid that my work and abilities would fail this whole adoption journey. I was afraid to help a hurting child. I was afraid to make anymore trips. I was afraid to go home without Kelly again. I was afraid Kelly would not come home in time to learn English well and be in school. i was afraid Kelly would hate me one day. I was afraid I couldn't handle all that was necessary to walk ahead.

At the beginning of each day, I would wake with fear and beg God to show me Himself...at the end of the day I would lay down with fear but trust the He was faithful. I lived with this cloud of fear around me all week, but what is crazy is it didn't consume me. In the midst of being afraid, I was taught something.

Every night before bed, Kelly would throw a refusal tantrum about going to sleep and Michael would hold him close and I would stay close as Michael sang and told him we loved him. We have done that since we first met him. It has always been in those moments that I see myself. The Lord holds me every time in my refusals, confusion, wrestling...What a child really wants to know in those times is "Am i really loved?"

My insecurities about Kelly are stemmed in my own insecurity with God. Does He love me? Will He be faithful? Is it my work, or HIS WORK?Was I adopted into God's family by my work? Did God's work fail the journey or make the journey of adoption for me? Is His loving-kindness forever and His faithfulness for all eternity? Am I His child, loved?

It was God's work that set me free. (romans 5:8, Galatians 4) He did not and will not fail. (Deut. 32:4) He loves me. I am His.

The same truth to save me will be the same truth to save Kelly Josiah. I see that he and I both have insecurities in this whole adoption story...but it will be God's work, love and faithfulness that will rescue both of us. The Lord is carrying both of us.

Michael and I started this journey begging God to work apart from our abilities or resources....so that when times came and it got hard...I got afraid...We would be reminded that this story is God's and about His work. That His work would assure us we were right were we needed to be. And we could breathe and trust moving ahead.

That is exactly what happened this last trip. And as I ponder it and find myself walking forward instead of running away I am overwhelmed with His love, faithfulness and Great works and give Him praise!

We journey ahead...not b/c of our works but b/c of the One who has saved us. We wait for Him. Wait and watch with us. He is writing a great story of His love.....Stay with us, you won't want to miss what God has in store. =) thank you for praying us this far...continue with us ahead.

I was afraid, but God has me.

from Psalm 92

It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; ²to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, ⁴For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

⁵How great are your works, O LORD!

Your thoughts are very deep!

Everything Rides on Hope

We are heading to Haiti again in a week. The trips to Haiti have become a new normal for us. We all start to get that feeling again...of leaving each other...the kids and stew and I. But we start our conversations again about now...and we remember God has carried us through this before...He always provides...and Kelly has not seen us for 3 months. We all take a deep breath and trust.

We got to skype with Kelly today and it was good for the kids to talk with him...to see that their brother needs us to come to him. After we skyped, i just sat on the floor of my bedroom. I wanted to burst into tears, but they were held back. I just thought, "Will he ever come home?"

We have been waiting since June 1st for a document to complete Kelly's Birth Certificate. Our dossier has sat waiting on his papers since August. Many who have walked this Haitian trail before can say, "yep, that is Haiti." But when it is your story...the waiting and the wondering and the praying and watching can come to a halt one day and you ask...will this 'new normal' ever end? You come to a place when you look for Hope. And you realize it is not found in any Haitian, agency or orphanage worker....it is not found in man.

A friend texted me this morning and said she woke up praying for kelly, the paperwork and for his homecoming. Tears came down my face as I thought...."My friends are carrying me when i have sat down in weariness." I am so thankful for the many of you who are walking with us! So thankful!

"Will he ever come home?" That is the storm that rages these days within me. But I was reminded of truth from a song and the Lord continues to bring me back to that. Everything truly rides on Hope and Faith. Since I was adopted into God's family...that is my journey. I so quickly forget...When the storm rises within me, i want to head for the shore. I have forgotten that I am not my own. This journey of adoption was not designed by me. I am God's....Kelly's story is God's and we as a family are riding on HOPE in His work, not ours.

Please continue to pray for us as we journey ahead. Here is our story captured so far...I am waiting on part 2....until then, the Lord of all will set my sight on His perfect provisions and carry me. And I will let my faith rise to Him alone. Where else would we ever go?!

Yes, Kelly will one day come home...until then...stay with us...we are still walking this road and need you with us.

http://vimeo.com/31232831

When the world has broken me down, your love sets me free. Everything rides on HOPE now. Everything rides on FAITH some how. I am not my own. I have been carried by you, all my life. You have become my heart's desire...i now see a grace that is higher. Your love sets me free. When my life is like a storm...rising waters...all i want is the shore...If everything comes down to love...then why am i afraid? when i call out your name...something inside awakens in my soul...how quickly i forget...i am yours...i am not my own...i have been carried by you, all my life...from the song "Hope Now" by Addison Road

What Haiti is teaching Us...Faith

"Kelly fell, get him!!!!" screamed stew. It was Thursday evening. Our last evening in Haiti. We had just finished dinner and were off to bed. The big ache had been within me all day. Tomorrow I would say good-bye again and continue the waiting for our son to come home.

But suddenly the ache turned in to a cry out to Jesus and I went to rescue my son from his fall.

Stew picked him up and we went into our room. Blood was all over his face. I grabbed towels and applied pressure where his wound was. Kelly's little world had turn quickly from happy looking at lights into fear and cries. "Mama's here...Mama's here, kelly." Was all I could say over and over to him as I kept the towel over his wound with pressure. I will never forget that moment. It was fast and furious to help him, call the Orphanage and cradle him in our arms reminding him that Love was all around him and that he did not have to be afraid. I remember looking at him between his cries while stew ran to get a phone and said, "Jesus will heal you, kelly...Jezi loves you, Kelly." And as he calmed down, i found again my own story in my son's story...he and I are the same...wounded in need of Jesus to heal us.

Stew returned and held him, "Papa loves you...mama loves you...Jezi loves you." he would say over and over in English and then in creole. We prayed over him and waited for the Orphanage director to get there. We knew that he would have to return and we would have to say our good-byes that night.

Our last week in Haiti was different than the rest. The first trip was "magical" with everything new....the second was somewhat difficult, struggling with discontentment in waiting, frustration with the culture and language, insecure of self....but this last one, things have changed for all of us...We went to Haiti seeking God's wonders that are without number. We saw so much of what God has been doing in us and in Kelly. Haiti is teaching us.

Teaching us most that we can trust in our LORD. He is faithful. His love is never-ending. He is our God, even if we don't see Him as such. He is working, even if we are sitting discontent. He is helping all of us. This trip we experienced a since of "Home". Haiti, for now, is our 2nd home. Our time with Kelly was wonderful. He is learning English and mastering so many new skills. Stew and I are trusting the Lord to direct us in parenting and loving Kelly.

But at the end of the day all 3 of us are HIS alone. Our trust in ourselves is fading as we find the Lord's never-ending love.

Before I left, I was reminded of the story of Peter walking on the water.

Matthew 14:28-33

Peter said to Him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water" And He said, "Come!" And peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him saying, "You are certainly God's Son!"

It was not peter's faith or lack of faith that caused him to sink or be saved. It was all god's doing. Surely Peter would have crashed straight down into the sea rather than sink slowly after seeing the wind. The Lord gave the wind, and held peter even as he sank. The Lord had peter all along...The Lord wanted peter to put all of his trust in Him, not in anything else.

We got out of the boat and pursued adoption as God had called us, but winds of processes and waiting have made us fearful at times. The Lord keeps his hand on us as we sink at times, but every step with Haiti has shown us our own story of adoption into God's family. We have cried out for God to save us over and over...and He has! Haiti is teaching us that God is certainly who He says He is. And that is changing us.

We walked Kelly to the car Thursday night. We prayed over him and against any lies that would creep in as we gave him back. He was calm at first. Then we looked at him and began to tell him as we have before, "We will return for you. Papa loves you, mama loves you, Jesus loves you. We will not leave you as orphan. We will come for you." Kelly began to wail. Tears flowed down all of our faces as the grace of God held us. We put him in the car and he was taken for bandages and to wait until we return. Stew and I stood in the dark crying together for what seemed like forever. But I could hear my savior's voice..."Trust in Me. I am working. Let your faith rise to be your sight. I will wipe away every tear one day...I am healing all of your wounds."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear. For I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you. For I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And so we are learning Faith as we continue to wait. Not faith in ourselves, the governments, our agency, our resources. But faith in the one who is faithful. The one who is savior for all. Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Headed to Haiti looking for His wonders

JOB 5:8-11

"But as for me, I would seek God, And I would place my cause before God;

Who does great and unsearchable things, Wonders without number. "He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields,

So that He sets on high those who are lowly,

and those who mourn are lifted to safety.

It was July 19th, another hot day in Austin, TX. I was picking up in the house as the kids were asleep on their beds. I glanced outside as I always do when passing by the window. There are so many stories outside my window. I am always looking. God has done so much on our street. A year ago drug dealers ruled our street. The stories I could tell you would fill a book. Now they are gone..stories for another day. But I still look, b/c there is always wonder outside of my window. The Lord's wonder. And that day, July 19th, he would give me another one.

This time glancing out the window I looked up. I saw clouds coming overhead...just like they had before...always empty of rain. I walked outside and fumbled through my garden. Looking at the plants, pruning what was not lasting in the heat, I looked up again. And the Lord pressed upon me this question. "Who is Lord?" "You are, God" I thought. And then "Rain" came to my mind. So, i looked up and asked for rain. I began to pray to God and show him all the plants that needed water and realized at the same time how much I need him. How much the earth depends on Him. And let's be honest. I thought if it poured down rain it might stop a few drug deals from happening in our neighborhood. =)

The clouds began to move and I looked up again. "God is there rain in those clouds?" "Will you pour it down?" I felt a few drops. Looked up. The clouds passed by and nothing else came...for the moment. I walked back inside and continued cleaning and thinking. "Do I really trust that Jesus is Lord?" There is so much unseen in this life but too often I find myself blinded by the things I see.

I looked out my kitchen window at my dead back yard and garden. You have to pick and choose which plants get the water. Curb appeal in the front won this summer. =) Then I looked up again. And I asked the Lord for rain. As I looked out my window I was filled with His wonder. I can ask the Lord, b/c if rain is what is needed, it can only come from his hand. I ask b/c he is my Heavenly Father. He is a father that gives all good things. I ask b/c He can, not b/c he should.

I went back to the front of my house and asked again. "Father, there is no cloud and no rain now..but you made them. Won't you give us rain today?" I sat down to read and then...... RAIN!!! It burst from the bright sky with wonder beyond wonder! Karis woke up and came running out of her room, "Mommy, it is raining...it is raining!!" I will never forget looking out that window again and seeing the rain pour down. With tears running down my face I thought, "You are LORD, indeed!"

A friend shared the verse in Job with me shortly after. It has taken deep meaning for me and in my house. Our prayer as a family is that God would show us that He is LORD. He is Great and does unsearchable things...WONDERS without measure!! If they are endless, then surely if we ask to see them, there is enough that perhaps we could notice them everyday.

We leave for Haiti Monday the 15th of August. It is a wonder of God. Adoption is changing us inside and out. The kids started school this week. They are sad, but love Kelly. They are trusting. I have to leave the 3 once more to go to the one. Then I will have to leave the one to go to the 3. I am sad, but know we are called to this. I am looking for His wonders in the midst.

He is LORD. Please ask Him for us, not because he should, but because He can do all things.

Our first year with KIPP Austin Public Schools

Wesley-Grant with some friends from his class
The playground
Principal Justin Scott with kids at the Exhibition for the kids
Family Saturday Schools....watching some accomplishments from the year
Art Show downtown with students from Kipp...and Ms. Boswell the Art teacher
Handicap spots the kids made to apply things they learned to help their community

Engineering Class display from the year
Playing Haitian Futbol after talking to the kids about Haiti and Kelly
One of many gardens the kids have planted this year on their campus.

KIPP AUSTIN COMUNIDAD was first introduced to us December of 2009. We had been praying about school for wesley-grant. Never did i ever expect the amount of choices before us when it comes to schooling a child. I grew up in public school and that was all i knew existed. Now, there are so many systems of education. I am thankful to live in a country with options and so many opportunities for education. There are many systems and all of them have great things...all of them are broken in some places. In all the research, I have not found anything perfect. But what we have found for our family is specific provision for all that we asked of from the Lord when it came to education as we entered that season with Wesley-Grant last year.

We wrestled with which option to pursue when it came to kindergarten for Wesley-Grant. If you want to know all the specifics, let me know and i will share. But for now, I just wanted to post about the school that we ended up choosing, or really, ended up choosing us.

So, it was December of 2009 when we were told about KIPP from a previous teacher who was at our house at a gathering. That is where we heard about their first elementary opening and that it would be Dual Language. Spanish/english. Long story short, we enrolled in the lottery. Wesley-Grant's name was drawn and we began our journey into charter schools before we ever knew all behind their name.

I could write a book on all we have experienced this year. Ask me if you are interested. Tears run down my face when I think back to all that we valued when it came to education and how KIPP has provided more than we ever expected. Here are some of the highlights from our first year there:

Defining Education: Kipp goes beyond skill academics and focuses a lot on character. Being nice, working hard, Be safe, Tenacity, Honor, Quality, and respect are always taught. They value language and their students perform above AISD reading levels in both languages at the end of the year. Education has always meant more than academics to us and we have found the same at KIPP.

Language is valued: They take kids that speak spanish and kids that speak english and tell them that their language is valuable and teach them each other's language. They teach the value of both languages to each other and it creates an equal environment for both.

Community: Students are taught to apply what they learn to help their community. WG's class had to learn about difference and same...about disabilities. They spent a day being blind folded or riding in a wheel chair to experience what it is like to have a disability. The kids painted handicap spots on their school parking lot. They talked about bullying and how they treat each other who are different. They even talked about adoption and WG was able to share about Kelly. At 4th grade they will be working with Non-Profits to learn about community in their city.

Commitment:The staff at KIPP works harder than any teachers I have known. They are there morning until 5pm and sometimes longer. They work at saturday schools once a month. They are always available to answer crazy questions from us parents. One of the things that is amazing is how they support each other. When one teacher is out, the others step in to help. There are no subs. They are a team that is commited to excellence from the teacher to the principal. They see the kids for what they can be and teach them accordingly. They don't see them as they are, but where they are going.

Making a difference:KIPP teachers are telling the kids constantly that they "CAN". They let them know that they were made to be something in their family, community, city and in the world. They serve under-resourced kids and continually serve to support the families of each child. Hands down, they are training leaders of tomorrow and impacting the city of austin and beyond.

We are so thankful for KIPP. We are so thankful for the staff, for the families that we have met through saturday school and everyday life with students. Sally will start kindergarten next year.

Wesley-Grant has grown so much this year. It is a great commitment for us as a family, but not too much. Life is being grown everyday as we are apart of this school. We are growing as a family and growing in community with other families. We are so proud of WG and look forward to another year for him.

For more info on KIPP, you can visit their website at www.kippaustin.org. It is one of many educational systems. We have found it to be a place of provision for our family as we have started down the road of education with our kids.

Saying "yes" to everything, not knowing anything

I remember the moment when Stew looked across the dinner table at me and pulled out a map and said, "it is time". We began to walk openly towards adopting. You know, the journey so far is kind of like marriage. You walk down the aisle and you make a vow. You vow to everything when you know nothing. You vow to take the good and the bad, not able to imagine there would ever be bad.

That has been how our adoption process has gone so far. We vowed to go forward no matter what...vowing to everything but knowing nothing until the Lord would/will show us or lead us through it.

The Lord has shown so much! Our agency, our country, our son. He has given us people, money, resources, packing lists, encouraging words, new friends, suitcases, plane miles, babysitters, car rides, provisions beyond our recall. Most of all he has given us His heart and story of our own adoption. We still have not recovered, and I pray we don't, from the mirror picture of Kelly's adoption to our own adoption through Jesus to God Himself.

But you know when you get to that point when the "honeymoon" time fades...like all good things here do....and you find the hard things...the waiting...the new things seem old. It is at that point when we either push through and find newness of spring after the winter snow....or we shatter in the waiting and turn to something else for comfort.

I found myself there the last few days of our recent trip to Haiti. It was like someone took a bag and put it over my head and didn't lift it until i got on the plane heading back for the US. I hated it and struggled to push through it. I am still processing it. I couldn't wait to go see Kelly and hold him and i found myself in the end wishing i was back home. I can't tell you exactly why, but as I have processed it over the last few days I have found a few things. 1. I never like to anticipate pain-Saying good bye to Kelly was something i found myself wanting to just run from this time. 2. The reality of the waiting for our son to come home completely disappointed me and I wanted to bail. 3. I became so self consumed with my feelings that I couldn't even see the needs of my own family...(Stew and kelly)

This trip was full of wonderful things. We learned more of Kelly's first mother. I am thankful to gather the stories to share with him and hold honor for him and her. We celebrated kelly's 4th birthday with a party. It was a wonderful normal! (birthday kid throws a tantrum and spits out his cake...but everyone else is taking pictures and says it is wonderful eating so much candy! have to be honest, but still enjoyed it none the less) We got to talk to Kelly about his name. "Kelly Josiah Stewart" He will tell you if you ask him...it is so cute! We got to talk to him about our house here and tell him we are preparing it for him. We got to love him through tantrums and fun times playing together! We learned that his stuff for his dossier is getting ready quickly to meet up with ours when it gets there in a few weeks.

I could and will write down a "proverbs 31" account of all the right and good things and celebrate them. And I will. But in between all the good and right are valleys we don't expect that teach us truths about ourselves, and ultimately are to point us to truth about God. And I want to write down those moments too. Because I have found it is in the moments of valley's or pain that we find our need for God and grow close to Him.

So in our "bliss" I have experienced the truth of myself that I can't keep a "vow". I really only want the right things...the fun things...the happy things...I don't want the low times, the dark times, or the self-centered times. I don't want the waiting. I don't want the pain. But I am learning that the very story we are experiencing of truth, grace and love with Kelly is my own needed story. I can't do anything apart from the LORD. I can never stand without truth, grace or love. I need it as much as Kelly needs it. The last few days there with Kelly are a blur...i remember feeling every insecurity I could have ever felt in my life. All my failures flooding my mind and me doubting everything behind and ahead. But someone told me they were praying that "hope would rise as I waited on the LORD" I could hear that faintly in the midst. By God's grace I waited through it without leaving michael, screaming in the streets of Haiti or hurting kelly. I waited. And hope rose. In my failures comes God's redemption. And all over again, I experienced saving grace...the need for every human life.

And so from this trip I was brought back to the strong truth that adoption (and marriage too) has always been God's doing and only He can do it. And by His love and grace we will all be changed from it in the end.

Continuing on ahead, knowing that to step into everything, knowing little to nothing of what lies ahead, is okay. If there is a step, then there is a place ahead to go. And Jesus will be there all along the way.