I will never forget the smooth landing in Austin, TX September 10, 2013. I had always dreamed of the day we came back from Haiti WITH our son. We gathered our things and all 3 of us were ready to get off the last plane. There had been excitement for hours in the day and finally we were able to go home...go home.
We rounded the corner to see our other 3 kids waiting and in one embrace, we were complete...all 6 of us. Michael, Kimberly, Wesley-Grant, Sally, Kelly and Karis. Coming down those steps to so many who had journeyed with us will forever be planted in my mind and heart. I imagine it will be a moment I will tell of for years to come.
We all buckled up and waved our good-byes as we drove HOME. "PAPA!!!!" "DRIVE MACHINE!!!" said Kelly. Me and my oldest girl, Sally looked at each other with tears in our eyes. No words were spoken, but the tears from both of our eyes told much. We were exhaling from the end of our "journey of waiting". Laughs, tears, wonder and joy. Our van held all 6 of us in the first drive home.
The first morning, waking up and all 4 kids played. It was like Christmas around here and I still could not believe that we had entered the other side of this journey. The first meal, the first movie and popcorn on the couch, the first of joining our family traditions, the first of many firsts.
In these beginnings, we are living out many "firsts". There are joys and delights. There are fears and heartaches. There is so much to tell. I am a writer and so I find it overwhelming to write of the last 7 weeks b/c I want to tell everything to my paper. I want to share with you so you will see and so you will learn from our mistakes. I want to tell you of the sacred moments when we get to hold our son's face and assure him of truth and love and see life be born in him. I want to (don't want to) tell you how the tension of this newness and unknown territory causes me to crumble into doubt at times and wonder, "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" Or how we started our son in school, only to pull him out until next year...And about the first bday party he got to go to that he loved! and the first fall that gashed his head...his first grocery store experience....I want to document the time I realized I WOULD hurt Kelly, but that I would also tell him I was wrong and sorry....I would love to tell you how our son's laughter is magical to all of us and brings great joy into our lives...or that his tears are like that of a newborn and could pierce the heart with a fierce blow...there is so much to tell and document.
In these beginnings, there is both sacred and sinful moments. In the fierce battle of waiting for our son to come home, I thought I found faith, but now, I realize that God takes me to places my faith would never go, so that my faith will be made stronger.
I have quickly discovered many expectations hidden in my mind and heart that need be destroyed. But the tension that those expectations bring about, are what God is using to show me His face in light of mine.
I laugh out loud as I think about me, being the wife of my husband or the mom of these 4 kids. I would have never chosen me, but God reached down and saved me for this, for these steps I take. I look back and think, "There is no way me yesterday could be here today" But that is truth, isn't it. I am not who I was yesterday, I am being changed by the grace of God. His adoption of me to be in His family, to be changed forever, that defines me now.
I am thankful beyond what written words can describe. I am learning more than I ever wanted to. Only 7 weeks have passed and I can only imagine what a lifetime of moments will give to write about. But these first few months are our beginnings, places of great awareness. We Stewart of 6 have many broken pieces, but God loves us and has chosen us to be a family. And it is by Him and for Him that we are. May our lives and our stories ahead continue to point to that very truth. And for all the sacred and sinful moments that we are not able to write down, may we live in them, cherish and learn from them and may the love of our LORD carry us, change us and make us, like only He can.
Tomorrow, here we come.
Jude 1:24-25
24 Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, 25 to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
We all buckled up and waved our good-byes as we drove HOME. "PAPA!!!!" "DRIVE MACHINE!!!" said Kelly. Me and my oldest girl, Sally looked at each other with tears in our eyes. No words were spoken, but the tears from both of our eyes told much. We were exhaling from the end of our "journey of waiting". Laughs, tears, wonder and joy. Our van held all 6 of us in the first drive home.
