This journal entry was a reflexion on the day before...our first day at the orphanage. I wrote this the morning after. It was also the same morning that we decided that the 3 yr old was our son. I will post the journal entry, as it is just an hour before everything changed for us. I wanted to share with you the process in order of how we walked while there. I will write more tomorrow about our actual day after I wrote this entry. These pictures are of our first day at the orphanage.
Day 3 (reflecting on day 2)
Yesterday was full and we were given so much. Where do i find words to write? I sit here looking over the city and find tears coming nonstop. Perhaps I am able to cry here in this moment by myself, the tears i longed to cry all day yesterday. Thank you, Father for tears. I am caught as a foreigner in this foreign land trying to find my son. I need your help. I am so weary.
We arrived at His Home for children yesterday morning. The preschoolers were waiting in the entry way. A few of them ran up to us. I looked around for ____ but couldn't find him. Then I saw him. He was smaller than I expected. I saw his smile. He had no clue we were looking for him. Other faces came up to us. It was an honor to hold these children and to see them in person and in their home. There was a sick child, so the day's schedule was not normal. They typically had preschool in the morning, but instead we were there to play with them. We held them and christel brought out her hand puppets she had brought. The children loved them, except for ____. The first thing i noticed about him was his fear of the puppets. Michael grabbed him and put him in his arms. Another child tried to play with the puppets with him but he was terrified. We took him to the side. He wanted our waterbottles. He was facinated with it...but later I realized he just wanted to drink water. We showed him videos of our kids back home. He stared and smiled. He has a lot inside, I can tell. He has been hurt a lot. But there is a strength about him. But he showed no emotion to us. Nothing given that he was choosing us. Did I expect that? yes. He does not see us, though we see him. I am confused. Is he our son?
The day went on and all the kids captured our heart. To see all their personalities is captivating. I kept thinking how good it was to see this all in person. It is so different than pictures or our perceptions we have from afar.
We went to the baby room around lunch. 16 babies...2 months to 2 yrs. It was amazing to see 2 Haitian nannies care for all of them. We so easily get worked up over in the states about all the things we think our babies need. Observing in that moment made it all so meaningless. There was a baby boy we spent some time with. (4 mos) Was he our son? I held him most of the time. It was time to leave.
I have no clue who our son is. Not what I expected.
We left from there and went to visit Port Au Prince city. It was overwhelming in moments. Unexplainable. I have no words. It was 5pm on a Tuesday. The earthquake happened at 4:50pm on a Tuesday. I tried hard to put myself in their shoes..to imagine what life was like in Haiti or what happened on the day of the earthquake. I couldn't at any capacity.
I wonder how this earthquake will effect the culture and coming generations. Billy told me that one thing that changed was that those who followed Jesus, had more hope than ever. Those who did not were more devastated than ever. Many have come to Christ. Many are hopeless.
We returned home in the evening to process some of what we experienced.
I find that i really expect some emotional moment or some response from ____ to us to show me if he is our son. We admitted fears.
Lord, I am so afraid and feel like we have asked you to lead us, but we still don't know. We leave tomorrow. Oh, my faith is so weary without sight. I want you to speak audibly to me.. Who is my son? who?! I am afraid to choose! Please show us! I don't know this culture or how to help a hurting child! I am afraid!! Please speak!!
This verse comes to mind.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Is ___ our son? Is ___? I lack faith to believe your provisions. Lead us by your love and strength, Father. I will go again today. Please don't let us leave until we find our son. Thank you, Father.