I know I am new to this journey. A journey many have traveled. That many know well. I have watched many go through it, but I have to say there is nothing like experiencing it yourself.
Since we met our son for the first time in Haiti, I find myself reintroduced to motherhood in a new way. I feel like I am here, but also there. I can't keep my calendar straight. Everything continues here, but something in me has slowed down to think and process there. Nothing will ever be the same. I have a second son.
Wesley Grant is my first born. I remember everything with him. Everything with him has been intense and over-concerning. He is my son. My first born. The child (bless him) who has to deal with all my mistakes in figuring out parenthood. I can relax with my girls, but my son...I am always navigating new things with him. He has been one of the things God has used to grow me more than anything.
When we started the adoption process, we were open, but felt like we had a son to adopt. Never questioned that. Back then, it was one step at a time with paperwork. I was filled with wonder and curiosity in who our son would be. Not intense, not over-concerned. Just ready to meet him. February 22nd I met him. Everything changed again, because now I had two sons.
People ask. Will you feel the same about an adopted child as your biological child. I asked the very same question a year ago to friends. I don't know if all people feel that way. I don't know. But for us, it has been a miracle in our hearts. I just can't separate my 2 sons in my heart. They are my boys. And I find myself on a new road that just might change me more than the roads i have traveled on before. And I find my self just stepping each new day into that journey.
A few days ago I found myself thinking about the 2 of them. One was at school the other was in Haiti. I realized in that moment how deep a love for sons can be in a mother's heart. I was praying for God to help one stand strong with Courage and the other to stand strong with Hope. I prayed for one to consider others better than himself and one to be restored from what others had done. I prayed for one to shine like a light and the other to be protected from darkness. I asked God to help one walk with the wise and for the other for Him to make steadfast. I prayed that they would trust and love the Lord with all their mind, soul, heart and strength. I begged God to show them why he made them and how they could have life in Him. I prayed the same grace that had been given me would be given to them.
Tears ran down my face. I realized that as much as I loved them and wanted all good things for them, I had to trust the Lord. He made them. He made them for purpose. He loved them more than I could. His thoughts and ways for them were higher than I could ever imagine. I had to give up control.
A thought came: "My sons have a rescuer!" This comforted me as i cried. My sons had a rescuer! Jesus...He came, so that my sons could be helped. He came so that my sons could stand strong. He came so that my sons could be wise. He came so that my sons could have hope in darkness. He came so that my sons could be restored. He came so that my sons could be saved.
So, I am on this journey...step by step...day by day...trusting...hoping...tonight, i am thankful for my 2 sons and can't wait until they are both in my home together. Another day.